Shared Pain
by Lynnlee22
Summary: Kelly and Kevin return to Llanview for a family emergency.
1. Chapter 1

It didn't seem possible. How was a man so full of life reduced to this? The leaves crunched beneath him as he shifted his body to face the stone, hoping to avoid the punishing sting of the wind. The pain it caused was nothing compared to the pain he felt as he stared at the grey granite marker. CLINT BUCHANAN it read, BELOVED FATHER AND HUSBAND. It should say more, he thought. He was more than that. He was a grandfather, a great grandfather, a brother, a friend, an enemy. Shaking his head, he ran his fingers over the stone, brushing away the rebellious leaves that continued to blow over the top. Even as he sat here, it was hard to believe he was gone- Hard to believe that a man larger than life could be contained under a small slab of rock.

"They say it's supposed to be easier when you know," he muttered, shoving his hands back into his pocket, "but it's not. I had a chance to say goodbye…to say what I wanted to say, but I still need to say more. I'd still give anything to have one more chance, one more conversation."

The wind continued to howl as still more leaves seemed to float down from the trees. In the distance he watched as a couple walked down the road in front of the cemetery. They held hands and talked quietly, aware of their surroundings, and yet still happy in their own world. Resentment, that's what he felt. He didn't even know them and yet he resented them..resented their happiness, their ability to go on with their lives as if nothing had happened, nothing had changed. Didn't they know? Hadn't their lives felt emptier this morning?

"You were right, Dad. I should've listened to you, but I was too stubborn. The one thing you wanted…the one thing you asked of me and I couldn't do it. I couldn't make it happen."

His mind flashed back to his last conversation with her. She'd hugged him and smiled, though he could see the tears threatening to fall in her eyes. She'd opened her mouth then, as if she'd been tempted to say something, but she didn't. She'd reached up, touched his face and said, "You take care of yourself."

Those were the last words she'd said to him. He'd stood there and watched as she walked down the driveway. He'd watched as the car had drove way. He'd just stood there and watched without saying a word.

"God, Dad. What kind of an idiot am I?"

* * *

"You should eat something." Kevin gently slid the plate of assorted muffins towards her. "You haven't eaten all morning."

"I'm pretty sure that's my line," Kelly responded softly, smiling slightly. "The last thing you need to be worried about is taking care of me." She sat down on the edge of the bed beside him. "Are you sure there's not anything I can do for you?"

"Just eat something and get some rest. You didn't need to come here. You should've stayed in London." He shook his head as he watched her take a small bite of a muffin.

"I'm fine." She held the muffin up for him to survey, sighing as he shook his head in disapproval at the small dent she'd made in the surface. "Besides…after everything you've done for me…this is the least I could do."

"This is too much for you. You don't need this right now."

"Would you stop worrying about me? I'm worried about you right now. You just lost your father and you've barely said two words about it. Talk to me, Kevin. I want to help."

"I wish I'd been here for the funeral," he said sadly. "I feel like I let him down…like I let everyone down."

"Kevin," she said, laying her hand on his shoulder. "You can't help the plane was delayed. There's nothing you could have done to change that. Everyone knows that. No one will blame you for that."

He sighed. "I was just thinking about Joe….about how hard this must have hit him….about how difficult it must have been."

She nodded. She hadn't stopped thinking about Joey since the moment she'd heard the news…not that she didn't think about him before. Not a day had gone by since she'd left Llanview that she didn't replay the events of their last conversation….how she'd reached up, touched his face and asked him to take care of himself… She wanted to say more….but she didn't. Regrets—she had more than a few.

"Kelly," Kevin said, realizing that she was somewhere far away.

"Yeah..Sorry", she responded quickly, snapping back into reality. "I was just thinking."

"About Joey." He nodded. "You should call him. I'm sure he could use someone to talk to. I'm sure you being here would mean a lot to him. You need to talk to him anyway." He stressed the word need, raising his eyebrows to convey his meaning.

"That's not what this trip is about, Kevin. I came here to support you and your family and to say goodbye to Clint…not for that. This is not about me."

"I know, but Kel…" Kevin stopped himself, already seeing her expression reflecting stress and anxiety. "Ok…Ok..never mind. I just think you should tell him. That's all."

"Your opinion has been noted," she replied.

Kevin stood, taking a few steps towards the door. "I think I'm going to head back over to the house…spend some time with Mom and Jess. You want to come?"

Kelly shook her head. "No…Actually, I think I might take your advice and lie down for a while. I am a little beat."

"You ok?" The concern in his voice was evident. "I can stay if you need me to."

"No..No. It's fine. You go ahead. I think it's just the flight and everything else…just catching up with me. I'll be fine."

Kevin nodded and headed out the door.

Kelly sat still for a moment, listening for the ding of the elevator door. Hearing it, she picked up her coat and purse. She had someone she needed to see.

* * *

The wind still howled behind him, a sure sign of the changing of the season. Fall was becoming winter. The world was moving on…just like it always did…just like everyone else. Except him. He felt stuck.

"I'd give anything for you to tell me what to do now, Dad. I know I never really listened before, but I'd listen this time, I swear it. I would. Just tell me."

"I can't tell you what to do, but I'll listen," she softly responded, her shoes shuffling through the leaves that had crowded the path.

Joey turned, afraid for a moment that his grief had finally led him into certain madness. She was really there…standing before him. He stood up, walking closer to her, still too stunned to speak.

"I'm so sorry," she said, gesturing over to the headstone. "Kevin and I came as soon as we could. The plane was delayed. We're so sorry we missed the funeral."

He reached out, touching her arm gently. She was real. "You're here," he whispered.

Kelly nodded. "You didn't think I'd come?"

"I didn't know….after the way…after the way we left it…" Joey looked away, the pain of their ending still too raw to remember.

"That wasn't your fault." She touched his face gently, turning it back towards her. "We both decided it was better that way."

"Better," he repeated. "Easier…easier to heal."

She shrugged. "I don't know. Easier to forget. Easier to move on…something. Anyway, I don't blame you for that. What happened, happened. It wasn't anybody's fault. It wasn't meant to be."

Joey looked up at her. "Do you think it would have worked though…you know…if we didn't….if we didn't lose.." He stopped himself. It was pointless…pointless to dwell in the past. All you had was the present. That's what his father would have said.

Kelly shook her head. "I don't know. It doesn't matter now. I came to bring these." She held out a bouquet of flowers. He stood aside, allowing her to lay them on Clint's grave. She paused for a moment, kneeling down to clear the spot of leaves.

"You ok?" he asked her softly, kneeling down beside her.

"Yeah," she said, looking back at him. "It's just so hard to believe. I'm sure I don't need to tell you that." She stood up, taking both his hands in hers. "I'm just so sorry, Joey."

He pulled her closer to him, unable to resist the urge to hold her in his arms. She felt so small, so tiny as he held her. Moving his head towards her, he felt her stiffen and pull back.

"I should go." Kelly took a few steps back.

"Kelly," Joey began. She was acting strange. Sure, their relationship was strained, especially after everything they'd been through, but this was beyond a difficult breakup. She was afraid to be alone with him…almost like she was keeping something from him. "Is something wrong? Is there something you want to talk to me about?"

"No," she said quickly. "Nothing. I just came to bring the flowers. I should get going. I'm supposed to meet Kevin at your Mom's later. I guess you'll be there soon?"

"Yeah." Joey sighed. He had to accept that awkward silences now….that was their way now. Gone were the days of their ease of conversation. That was gone….along with everything else…all their hopes for the future seemed so distant now.

"See you later," she whispered, walking away quickly as the leaves crunched and crackled beneath her feet.


	2. Chapter 2

Sometimes it was the smallest things that set her off. Today it hadn't been a small thing…it had been seeing Joey again. One look at his face and it all came back, though it had never gone very far away. All the pain, all the loss, all the shattered dreams, they'd all been buried just underneath the surface, just deep enough for her to be able to survive. Today, they all came bubbling back up.

She heard the door open and wiped her eyes quickly.

"Hey," Kevin said softly.

"Hi," Kelly replied. "Sorry I never made it over today. I just…I didn't have it in me today."

"It's ok." He studied her expression. She was pale, clearly exhausted, and sad….sadder than he'd seen her in some time. "You saw Joey," he assumed correctly.

She nodded. "Yeah. I went to Clint's grave to bring some flowers and he was there."

"The two of you talked?" he asked.

"If you want to call it that," Kelly scoffed. "We don't really talk anymore. We exist. We survive every conversation."

Kevin looked down at the box. "Why did you bring that?" he asked gently.

She felt the tears building and blinked allowing them to fall from her eyes. "I was thinking since there was nothing to bury..maybe I could bury this…just something simple…something to show that she meant something to me."

Kevin wrapped his arm around her. "I wish I knew something to say," he whispered.

"There's nothing to say. I wasn't strong enough to protect her," she said sadly. "We weren't strong enough to survive losing her."

"Joey didn't know what to do to help you. He was hurting so much himself. You left and came to London…maybe…if you'd stayed."

"What, Kevin? What you think it would have been different? What would have changed?" She'd wondered that a million times herself.

"Well, for one thing. He'd know the truth, wouldn't he? He'd be here for you now….You'd have him here instead of me…..wouldn't that be better?"

"You've been wonderful," Kelly softly responded, reaching out and touching his hand. "I'd never have gotten through this without you."

"I wasn't fishing for compliments, Kelly. I just…I think if Joey knew the truth, he'd be here and love…love can heal things that medicine can't even touch." He worried about her-Worried that her frame of mind wasn't helping her condition in the slightest.

"He's got enough on his plate right now. He doesn't need this. Besides, I'm not his problem anymore." Some days she had to repeat that over and over again, as if it were her personal mantra. Some days, telling him, knowing that he'd be right there to wrap his arms around her seemed like an answer to a prayer.

"You two are in each other's heads," Kevin countered. "He's going to figure out something's wrong. You won't be able to keep this from him. You might have been able to pull it off from across the ocean, but not from across the dinner table. He's going to have questions….how are you going to answer them?"

Kelly sighed. "I don't know," she said honestly. "But, you'll be around. You can help me. You always do."

* * *

Kevin quietly walked into the room, surprised to see Kelly still awake. "You should be asleep," he said, walking over towards the edge of the bed.

"I know," she sighed. "Just thinking."

"I think it's enough thinking for one night," he softly replied, pulling the covers over her and leaning in to kiss her forehead.

She giggled a little. "That's slick," she smiled. "Much more subtle than brushing the imaginary bangs off my forehead."

Kevin sighed. "Sorry. I just…I worry about you."

Kelly nodded. "I know and I appreciate it…really I do. I just…I don't want you to spend so much time worrying about me that you forget to take care of yourself and your family."

"You are my family, remember?" Kevin smiled at her as he saw her yawn. "Why don't you let me take that?"

Kelly nodded, reaching up and carefully removing the wig from her head. "Will you.." She smiled as she took the scarf from his hand. She didn't even have to ask anymore. "Thanks," she whispered, sliding the scarf over her head and leaning back against the soft pillows.

Kevin watched as her breathing slowed, knowing she was finally asleep. He stood, placing the wig on top of the dresser, his fingers running through the surprisingly realistic locks. He'd promised her to honor her wishes, to keep her secret, to make this trip about Clint, but everything in him felt obligated to tell Joey the truth.

Glancing back over at her, he sighed and stepped back into the room. Sitting down on the side of the bed, he took off his shoes and removed his shirt. Some nights he dreamed that Kelly didn't make it. He would see himself making the phone call….he would hear the words he'd use to tell his brother that the woman he'd loved all his life was gone. Every time he'd wake up in a cold sweat, his heart pounding, his hands shaking. He'd get up, race down the hall, and stare into her room, always relieved to see the subtle rise and fall of her chest. The scariest part of the dream wasn't what he saw…it was what he didn't. He always woke up before Joey realized that he knew..that he'd always known. What would Joey do if he found out he knew and didn't tell him?

* * *

She tossed and turned a familiar routine for her. The dreams plagued her sleep…especially recently. Her therapist told her it was the anniversary. The fact that it would soon be a year.

" _Can I get you anything?" Joey asked, feeling completely and totally helpless. She'd barely said three words since leaving the hospital. He had no idea how to reach her or what to do to let her know that he was hurting too._

 _Kelly stared straight ahead. She didn't respond. She was so angry. She didn't want to be. It wasn't Joey's fault…it wasn't anyone's fault, but she had to blame someone…something. It couldn't be just fate._

 _"Kel," he said, again, the hesitancy in his voice more obvious the second time. He was worried. She talked—all the time. That was their thing. They could talk about anything._

 _"Can you bring her back?" she snapped. Her eyes burned with tears. As she saw his face, the pain present in his eyes, she immediately regretted her words. Joey had lost something too…and although he wasn't saying so, she could tell he was seconds away from falling apart._

 _"No," he whispered. "No. I can't. I wish to God I could. I'd give my life to bring her back." He turned, moving towards the door._

 _"Joey," she called._

 _"Call me if you need anything," he said._

 _She'd felt the tears begin their trail down her cheeks as the door shut with a thud._

 _The only sound in the room was the rustling of sheets. Joey was having another restless night…one more in a line of many. The dreams had been occurring with more frequency lately. The stress, he'd reasoned._

 _"Just tell me what to do!" he screamed. "Tell me what you want me to do and I'll do. Tell me what to say and I'll say it. Damn it…Kelly I don't know what you want anymore?!" Joey stood in front of her, hating the cycle they seemed stuck in. He watched the tears stream down her cheeks and he knew there were plenty more coming._

" _Don't you get it, Joey? Don't you see? I don't know either. I don't know what I want. That's why I have to go. That's why this is for the best."_

 _"How is this best? You're leaving. We have a chance here, Kel. Please…don't do this. Don't go." He grabbed her hand in his, bringing it close to his chest. "Aren't we worth it? Can't we just try?"_

 _"We did try, Joey. Too much has happened. There's too many memories….too much pain…too much loss." She felt the lump rising in her throat as she spoke. Losing their daughter had been more than either of them could bear. She turned, walking towards the door, pulling her suitcase behind her._

 _"We weren't ready. Neither of us were, but now…we can start over. We can make this work." Joey's eyes pleaded with her._

 _She shook her head sadly. "You're right. We weren't ready…the baby was such a surprise and we jumped into something that we weren't ready for. Maybe that's why this happened…maybe that's the reason…"_

 _"You don't believe that," he said, his voice shaking with emotion. "Our baby didn't die to keep us apart."_

 _Kelly hung her head. "Maybe not," she whispered, "But she's not here to give us a reason to stay together either."_

 _Her words weighed heavily on his heart._

 _She reached up, touching his face lightly. "You take care of yourself," she softly responded. Her mouth opened, as if she considered saying more. Instead she sighed, grabbed her bag and headed out the door._

His eyes flew open with a start. Looking around, he half expected to see her standing there, but the room was dark and empty….just like it was every night. He leaned back, taking a deep breath and thinking about the dream…the same one he'd had over and over again. Every time he wondered what he could have done to change the way it ended. If he'd called out to her one more time, would she have changed her mind? If he'd told her he loved her, would she have stayed? He didn't know…He just knew she left…she left and took his heart with her.

* * *

Death was its own strange form of a family reunion, Joey thought as he looked around the table. It had been nearly a year since his entire family had been together in one room, and now, sadly there was one less of them.

He'd been watching Kelly all evening. Kevin had been watching her too. Something was going on between the two of them. He wanted to ask her, but honestly he was afraid of the answer. Kelly and Kevin had history, but Kevin had insisted when he talked to him a few months ago that they were simply raising Zane together…nothing more.

Joey sighed, it wouldn't be the first time his brother had lied to him.

"You ok?" Kevin asked, stepping closer to Kelly, as she stepped outside on the patio and took in a deep breath.

Kelly nodded, feeling anything but ok at the moment. Sometimes the nausea was so overwhelming that she could hardly stand it. Tonight was one of those times. "Do you think anyone noticed?" she asked, worried that her secret would be revealed.

Kevin shook his head. "No…and even if they did, they'd think you were just upset. It's understandable. No one would think anything of it. Look Kel,"

"Please Kevin." She turned around and looked at him, her green eyes shimmering with tears. "I can't deal with this right now. I just can't."

He let out a heavy sigh. "Are you sure you can't tell him? I really think he could help you. I honestly believe that. Didn't you see the way he was looking at you tonight?"

"Yes. Yes I did. And I know exactly what he'd do….he'd find out about the cancer and he'd run to the rescue and make it his mission to save me. We'd go right back to the way it was…and it would be wonderful for a while."

"Why is that bad?" Kevin was confused. It sounded good to him…Joey would get Kelly back and Kelly would get the comfort and support of the man she'd always love.

"Because it wouldn't be about us….it isn't ever about us. Before, we jumped into a relationship because I found out I was pregnant." She looked up at Kevin.

"Come on, Kelly. That's not the only reason. It's not like he was some one night stand."

"No. I didn't mean it like that. I just meant….we weren't ready for a commitment. We were just getting to know each other again…just getting comfortable being a part of each other's lives again and then we just jumped in again….for the wrong reasons." She stopped, glancing inside and seeing Joey as he walked into the living room and settled onto the couch.

"If I told him now it wouldn't be any different. He'd be here with me. He'd never leave…not with this going on…even if he wanted to…even if he didn't want to be with me. I don't want him out of guilt or obligation. I don't want him to feel like he needs to take care of me."

"What if he wants to take care of you, Kel? What if that's what he needs right now? What if he needs to take care of you just as much as you need him?"

She paused for a moment, considering, then spoke. "I've made my decision, Kevin. It's not your choice to make. It's mine."

Kevin shook his head. "Fine. I'll back off." He studied her face which was now beginning to show a touch of color. "You think you can come back inside now."

She nodded. "I think so."

He stepped aside, letting her walk in ahead of him. She took two steps before they were stopped.

Joey stood in front of them. "I've watched the two of you all evening….with the whispers and the touches….the least you could do is be honest with me."

Kevin and Kelly exchanged confused glances.

"I don't know what you're talking about, Joey," Kelly said, softly. "I'm just trying to help Kevin get through this…just like everyone else."

"Come on, Kelly. I might be a lot of things, but I'm stupid. I've seen this movie before….I know how it ends. This time, I'd like to change a few things. This time I'd like to be the one to call you two out. So how long….how long has it been you two?"

Kevin shook his head. "Joe, you've got it all wrong. We're not together."

"Great," Joey snapped. "That's just great. I just love being lied to." He turned quickly and stormed from the room.

Looking at Kelly, he narrowed his eyes. "I know I gave you my word," he said softly, "but I don't know how much longer I can do this." Kevin walked away shaking his head.

Kelly slowly made her way to the couch, sitting down gently. She reached up, pulling the cover from the back of the couch and wrapping it around her shoulders. The cool wind must be making its way into the room from the patio, she thought. Leaning back, she closed her eyes. She'd just rest for a moment.


	3. Chapter 3

Joey closed the front door behind him, grateful no one had come after him. He needed the time to himself. No one could possible make him feel any more guilty than he already did. Yelling at Kelly and Kevin like he did, it wasn't right. It wasn't fair. He had no claim to her—if she'd found happiness, even if it was with his brother, he should begrudge her that. He wanted her to be happy.

Stepping into the living room again, he promised to apologize. The sight of Kelly, seemingly asleep on the couch startled him. He slowly walked over to her, the throw from the couch slipping off her shoulders.

Carefully he reached behind her, pulling the cover closer to her neck. His hand brushed her warm skin. For a moment, he let it linger there, remembering the sensation, then pausing. She was warm, very warm…too warm. He pulled his hand back, placing it against her face, able to feel the heat before contact was made. Something wasn't right.

"Kelly," he said softly. "Kel," his voice was strained with worry, as she made no move to respond. He stood up, walking towards the doorway. "I need some help in here!" he yelled into the room.

Kevin was the first through the door. He rushed over to the couch. "What?" he asked, his eyes wide with concern. "What's wrong?"

"She's burning up. I found her in here…like this." Joey looked up at his brother, who looked far too concerned for his liking.

Kevin touched her face, cursing under his breath. "It's probably an infection," he muttered. "I told her not to come. I told her to stay in London. I know she didn't need to fly…all that compressed air…all those germs." He shook his head, looking back at Joey. "We need to get her to a hospital."

Joey nodded. He had so many questions. Nothing Kevin said made any sense, but right now there was no time. His priority was Kelly and making sure she was ok. "I'll pull the car around front," he said quickly.

Kevin gathered Kelly up in his arms, whispering into her ear, "You hang on, Kel."

* * *

"What is it?" Kevin asked. He'd been with Kelly since the beginning…he was with her when she got the diagnosis. For weeks she was tired and drained. They'd chalked it up to depression, she'd just lost her daughter after all and she was grieving. Weeks turned to a month and she still wasn't getting any better, then there were the headaches. Migraines, she'd insisted….brought on by stress.

He'd pushed and pushed until she'd finally given in gone to the doctor. He'd been standing beside her in a room much like this one when the doctor had walked in that day. He remembered so clearly the look on her face when he said the words.

"Please just tell me," Kelly said softly, her voice bringing Kevin back into the moment. "I need to know what's going on."

"I wish I had better news," the doctor said grimly, flipping the pages in the chart to consult the numbers again.

"Your white count is alarmingly low. That's concerning for several reasons. For one, your body isn't producing white cells to fight this infection. You're too weak. Another concern is that your counts are far too low to proceed with any further chemotherapy at this point." He looked over at Kelly and then at Kevin, making certain that they understood the seriousness of this.

"So, what are the options," Kevin asked, hesitantly.

The doctor sighed. "Has your oncologist discussed your prognosis with you, Ms. Cramer?"

Kelly nodded.

"Then I'm sure he or she explained that with acute leukemia, it is necessary to administer high doses of chemotherapy as quickly as possible in order to bring the cancer into remission."

Kelly nodded again.

The doctor sighed. "Without chemo, the cancer cells will grow. Unfortunately, your own cells, the good cells, aren't strong enough to withstand the chemo right now. We've got no choice but to wait."

"So we wait?" Kevin couldn't believe what he was hearing. This is what medical science had come up with? This was their brilliant knowledge. All the money all the research and this was their plan…to wait? "Until when….we just let her get sicker and sicker and sicker…until what?"

"I know it's upsetting, Mr. Buchanan, but it's the only option we have. The chemo is killing the cancer cells, but it's also destroying her immune system. At this point, the treatment will kill her faster than the cancer would."

Kelly took a deep breath, feeling her throat closing. Kevin turned to her quickly.

"You ok?" he asked, his hand covering hers.

She nodded. Logically she knew that people with cancer died, but today was the first time…the first time she really, really considered that she might not make it through this.

"Thank you doctor," she said softly. "I'd like a minute with Mr. Buchanan, if that's alright."

The doctor nodded. "Of course."

Kevin waited until he'd left the room and then turned to her. "Listen, there are other doctors. There are other hospitals. We'll find the best doctors…the best clinics. We'll fly halfway around the world if we have to. There's got to be someone out there that can help you."

Kelly shook her head. "I don't want to do that, Kevin." She was so tired of fighting…so tired of always fighting for everything. "I just want to do what the doctor said. Let's just wait. Let's just wait and see what happens."

"Wait?" Kevin put his hands over his face, rubbing his eyes as if to wake up from some strange, bizarre nightmare. "Didn't you hear what the doctor said? The cancer is going to get worse…every day we wait with no treatment, you're getting sicker and sicker."

"Kevin," she said softly. "You and I both know there's no miracle cure out there. No doctor can fix this. If they could, every hospital in the world would be in on that. Besides, I know you…you've already called all the best. I'm betting you had them on speed dial by the time we got home the first afternoon."

Kevin had to smile at that. "I want you to have the best. That's all."

"I do have the best. I couldn't ask for a better friend. I don't know how I would have gotten through all this without you." She squeezed his hand. "I just need you to go with me on this one. I think this time we just need to see what happens. Maybe the infection will clear up with the medication quickly. My white counts will go back up and I'll be ready for my next chemo right on schedule. Who knows, this could be a nonissue?"

"You trying on optimism for size?" Kevin smiled.

"Never hurts to try," she said, laying her head on his shoulder as she allowed the first tear to escape from her eye.

* * *

"There's one other thing we have to figure out." Kevin's words broke the silence that settled over the room, the first semblance of peace they'd had since Kelly's scare.

She sighed, he didn't need to say it. She already knew. Joey. "Is he outside?" she asked.

Kevin looked at her, his expression speaking louder than his words ever could.

"Ok, stupid question," she sighed. Leaning back in the bed, she brought her hands up to her face. "God, Kevin. I don't know what to do."

"Well," he began, "You know you could…"

"I know I don't want to do that," she stopped him. The last thing she wanted Joey to do right now was take care of her. He'd just lost his father. He didn't need to have to spend his days worrying about her.

"Well you're going to have to tell him something. It wasn't easy dodging his questions while you were in here." Kevin felt terrible keeping this from Joey. The fact that he could see how worried he was made it even worse.

Suddenly the door flung open.

"Sir, I told you, you're not on the list," the nurse replied helplessly, looking over at Kevin who stood in the corner. "I'm sorry," she said quietly.

"It's alright," Kevin replied, glancing over at Kelly. "Let him in." The nurse nodded, stepping back out of the room.

Joey's mouth immediately went dry. Kelly lay in the bed, her face thin and pale, her hands covered in tape which held an IV connected to numerous bags of something—though he didn't know what.

"I know something's going on." Joey stepped closer to the bed, studying her closer. "I want one of you to tell me what it is."

"I'm so sorry I worried you, Joey," Kelly began, hoping that Kevin would back her up in the web of lies she was about to weave. "I don't have anyone to blame but myself really….I went all day and didn't eat anything….my blood sugar dropped…it's been really volatile recently." She looked over at Kevin who had remained stubbornly silent. "Right, Kevin?"

Kevin sighed. "Right," he added. It wasn't a lie exactly. She had been having problems with her blood sugar dropping, but that was hardly the reason for this latest hospitalization.

Joey was quiet for a moment, considering her explanation. "And you're sure that's all it is?"

"Of course." She forced a smile and even a small giggle for good measure. "They're getting my discharge papers as we speak. Would they be sending me home if it were something more serious?"

"I guess not," he sighed, smiling back at her. He stepped forward, touching her hand softly. "I'm really glad you're ok."

"Thanks," she said.

"Why don't I go get the car?," he said, moving towards the door. "I'll pull it around closer to the exit."

She nodded as he left the room. "I didn't lie," she said, looking over at Kevin as soon as she was sure Joey was out of earshot.

"You sure as hell didn't tell him the truth," he sighed.

* * *

"Zane sends his love," Kevin remarked rather callously as he walked through her bedroom in their suite.

"You talked to Zane?" Kelly asked a little confused as to why he hadn't given her the opportunity to speak to him as well. "Why didn't you let me talk to him?"

"I just figured you would rather I talk to him…you know since you're not telling him the truth either," he snapped. Kevin shuffled through the mail in frustration. He hated being angry with Kelly, but he hated the lies even more. She was shutting people out, denying them the opportunity to be there for her. She claimed she was doing it for their own good, but he knew she was simply too afraid…admitting it to too many people made it real.

He looked up, surprised by the lack of snappy comeback that usually followed one of his retorts. Instead he saw her hands, wiping away tears that continued to stream down her face.

"I'm sorry, Kelly. God, don't cry..Please don't cry." He walked over to the bed, sitting down beside her, and handing her a tissue. He'd always hated to see her cry. "This is just hard for me…that's all. It's hard to watch you go through this when I know there are people that would want to help you…people that could help you."

"Well, it's just one big party for me," she snapped back. "You know what Kevin? Has it ever occurred to you that maybe this isn't about you? Maybe it isn't your decision? Maybe I don't give a damn if you think it's a good idea to tell people or not? I mean, after all, you're not the one that goes to these stupid doctors. You're not the one that gets scanned, and poked, and prodded. You don't wait for results every week to see if you can get injected with the poison that supposed to be keeping you alive while simultaneously killing everything good inside of you. You don't go through any of that do you?!" She stopped for a moment, allowing herself to take a breath. That was the first time she'd lost it…really lost it…and as much as she hated it, it actually felt good…freeing.

Kevin nodded. "No, I'm not….and I'm sorry. I'd give anything to be able to switch places with you. I think you know that. I'm just trying to help and I think that everyone would want to help if you would just tell them what's going on."

"So that they could do what, Kevin? Wait for me to die? I don't want people looking at me like that. I don't want people watching me to make sure I have good color or enough energy. I don't want every event to be special because 'it could be Kelly's last this or that'."

"Don't even talk like that," Kevin said quickly, taking her hand. "You're going to beat this….that's a given."

Kelly didn't say anything for a long moment. When she finally spoke again, her face was serious, more serious than he had ever seen her. "I think for the first time I really don't know, Kevin. I'm really, really scared."

Kevin understood. He'd been scared from the start and even though she'd been the one with the cancer, she'd been holding him together. She'd been the strong one. As he took her in his arms and allowed her to cry against him, he nodded and softly whispered words of comfort. Tonight he'd be the strong one.


	4. Chapter 4

They made a deal. She promised to relax and rest for the rest of the evening if he promised to go out and get Thai food and a chick flick. It was a deal he could live with.

"You sure you've got everything you need?" he asked, sweeping the tail of the scarf behind her shoulder. She hated him to see her bare scalp and, even though he promised her that it didn't matter…that it didn't change the fact that she was a beautiful now as she'd ever been, she was insistent about wearing the wig in his presence. She only took it off to sleep or nap. It was her rule and he'd given up long ago on trying to get her to compromise. He'd reason that she needed to control something—he might as well let it be this.

"I'm fine," she whispered, leaning back against the headboard. "I need a night without thinking…unless it involves a choice between plum sauce or peanut." She smiled at him then, her green eyes twinkling.

It amazed him really. Even after everything she'd been through, and was still going through, she was still able to smile. "You got it," he smiled, then pausing before he moved any further. "Special requests at the video store?"

Kelly smiled. "Chick flick," she stressed, "Flick with a chick in it doesn't count."

Kevin snapped his fingers in mock annoyance. "Damn," he muttered as he smiled at her and headed out the door.

She pulled the covers up, settling in against the pillows, listening to the soft sounds of the sound machine Kevin had purchased for her. Running water—that was the sound…and everytime she heard it she couldn't but think about the fountain..the one in Paris…the one where she and Joey had….

There was a knock at the door. She smiled, slowly bring her legs across the side of the bed. Kevin was notorious for forgetting his keys.

"Really?" she said, speaking through the door before reaching the knob. "You know one day I'm not going to be here to let you in and you're just going to end up stuck out there." She pulled open the door, and froze.

Standing there, flowers in hand, was Joey. The color slowly drained from his face as his eyes fell over her.

There would be no talking her way out of this one.

* * *

"Joey," she said, the words falling from her mouth almost as if by accident. "I," she began, then stopped when she realized she had no idea how to finish the sentence.

He extended his shaking hand, holding the flowers out to her. Flowers were what you brought to people when they were sick. The irony didn't escape him.

Kelly took the flowers and turned, walking back into the room. Leaving the door open, she waited…If he came in, she reasoned, he was ready to talk. If he didn't, he needed more time.

She heard the door shut as she heard his footsteps behind her. He gently took the flowers from her hand. "I'll take care of these," he said softly, walking into the small kitchen area.

The walk to the side of the bed seemed endless. Her legs shook almost as badly as her hands and she took a deep breath to quell the nausea that seemed to overwhelm her. At this point, she wasn't sure if it was nerves or the cancer…perhaps a mix of both. Bringing home er hands to her face, she forced herself to relax. "This is it," she whispered aloud. There was no turning back.

"This is the best I could do," Joey said, walking from the room with a clear carafe filled with water. The flowers haphazardly flopped inside it.

Kelly smiled. Something about it seemed so normal….so Joey. "Thank you," she said softly. "They're beautiful."

He said nothing. His mood had changed so dramatically, and so many times, in the span of a few moments, that he wasn't sure what he felt. Initially, he'd been so frightened, so terrified of the reality that stood before him at the door that he couldn't say or do anything. It would have been different if cancer were some sort of unknown, but he'd seen what it could do. He'd watched his mother struggle. His mother was the strongest woman he'd ever known and it had nearly broken her. If it could do it to his mother…..

Then as he stood in the kitchen, arranging flowers in a juice carafe, the anger had overwhelmed him. How dare she not tell him? And his brother? He had to know. Why didn't he tell him? Why were they keeping this from him? He had a right to know?

He'd grabbed the carafe, as if armed for battle, and headed back into the room, ready to get answers, but the sight of her, sitting on the edge of the bed, head in hands, had stopped him. Guilt. Most of all…he felt guilty, for not seeing that something was wrong, for not being there, for letting her leave in the first place, for giving her a reason to go…..it was his fault…all of it.

All of the questions he had, Why she didn't tell him, How long she'd known, What the doctors said….none of them were as important…none of them weighed as heavily on him as the desire to wrap his arms around her and hold her close to him. He sat the flowers down on the bedside table and moved to sit beside her. Immediately, he saw her shoulders stiffen. She was bracing herself, he realized….getting ready for the barrage of questions. Carefully, he reached out his arms, wrapping them around her slowly. She blinked hard, staring at him, her green eyes flickering with the slightest hint of tears. He felt her let out a shaky breath as she relaxed in his arms.

Time was precious—the questions could wait.

* * *

He wasn't sure how long they'd been sitting there. It had seemed like an eternity since he'd been able to have her close to him, so he'd relished every second of it. As he moved his hand across her back, he froze. The sharp protrusions of her shoulder blades, the way that every disc in her spine seemed defined…it all seemed to scream at him…just how weak she was…just how sick.

Kelly noticed the change immediately. He didn't need to say anything. She was the one that needed to explain. "I didn't want you to see me like this," she said softly. "I know I must look…"

Her words were like a slap in the face to him. Of all the things he was thinking, that wasn't one of them. "You've got nothing to worry about," he responded, pulling away slightly to make eye contact. "You're beautiful…You'll always be beautiful."

She averted her eyes. "Don't," she began, feeling the familiar tremble in her voice begin to take over. "I know how I look. I see it every day. Every time I look in the mirror, I look less and less like the person I remember…the person you remember…the person you.." She stopped herself. He didn't want to hear it and she certainly didn't want to say it.

"Do you honestly think any of that matters?" Logically he knew Kelly was always cognizant of her looks, but she must have known that it never had anything to do with the way he felt about her.

"Come on, Joey. Don't sit here and try to tell me that when you walked in the room, you weren't thinking about how sick I looked, about the fact that my hair is gone, about the fact that I'm pale and thin and…" She stopped, her voice breaking.

He reached out taking her hand. "None of it matters…not to me. I didn't fall in love with the hair, or the figure, or even the energy," he softly whispered, brushing away a tear as it scampered down her cheek. "I fell in love with you."

Leaning back a little, he watched as she processed his words. Her eyes narrowed as she weighted each thought carefully. She looked up at him finally, her lips parted slightly as if she were readying herself to speak.

"Maybe I'm not me anymore," she said sadly, her eyes downcast. She knew that some people fought cancer for years, and although she'd only been fighting it for less than a year, it seemed to have taken over her life—as if it defined her in a way she deeply resented.

Joey simply smiled, shaking his head. "I don't think you need to worry about that." He looked into her eyes. "They still sparkle," he whispered.

Kelly managed a small smile.

"Even more when you smile," he continued, happy to see that she was still able to smile, even in the face of everything she was dealing with. "And you're still you, Kel. You're still the same person you always were."

"I don't know, Joey," she sighed. "So many things have changed."

"Not everything." He stopped suddenly, a smile appearing on his face. Turning slightly, he looked over at her. "You feel up to a little field trip?" he asked.

"I'm not exactly dressed to go anywhere," she said, gesturing to her gray yoga pants and sweatshirt.

"You're perfect," he said, reaching down and throwing a pair of bedroom slippers toward her.

He watched as she slipped her feet into them. Standing beside her, he carefully wrapped his coat around her shoulders. She reached up, touching the scarf on her head. Joey pulled the hood of the sweatshirt up to cover it in seconds. She smiled…he always had an answer for everything.

"I'm gonna prove to you that not everything changes," he said.

* * *

It was a nice night—not too cold especially for a Llanview autumn, but the wind brought a chill ever time it blew and Joey immediately took off his coat and wrapped it around her shoulders.

Kelly smiled, sighing. "Thanks." He was already starting—taking care of her…worrying about her. "You know, you don't have to do this," she said, looking up at him. "I'm not going to break."

"It's just a jacket," he said softly, wrapping his arm around her shoulder to support her as they stepped out further onto the roof.

Kelly didn't argue. Today had been one of the worst days she'd experienced since her diagnosis. In the beginning, the cancer was the enemy—she would fight it and she'd win. Now, the cancer was this insidious, creepy invader that seemed to sneak around in her body in a way that terrified her. Even though she knew the doctors were doing everything they could, today—for the first time—she'd allowed herself to wonder…What if that wasn't enough?

"Kelly?" Joey could see she wasn't completely with him. Her mind was somewhere else. She was sick. He knew that, but he didn't know the details, and part of him was too terrified to ask. After the visit to the hospital today, he knew enough to know that it wasn't good…that she was lying to him about why she was there and that if he asked for answers now, there was no guarantee she would lie again.

"Look up," he said softly, squeezing her shoulder.

She turned her head toward him, blinking and starting up at the sky. "What?" She had looked up at the sky many nights…hoping there was a higher power there…someone that heard her prayers, someone that could answer her questions…someone that could heal her.

"Your star," he smiled. The day he bought it for her seemed like a lifetime ago, but ever since that day, every time he looked up at the night sky—no matter where he was or who he was with, he couldn't help but pick it out. His eyes automatically went to it and almost as quickly, his thoughts automatically went to Kelly.

"You still think about that?" Some days the memories she made with Joey seemed like another life. Other days, she'd wake up in the morning half expecting to look over and see him in the bed beside her. Knowing that he still thought about her—even in this small way—gave her comfort. It meant that no matter how they left things—the painful memories, the harsh words they shared—none of it overshadowed the love they'd shared.

He stared at her for a moment. Did she really believe that he could ever not think about her? Did she think that moving away meant that she left his thoughts? Was going to London her way of setting him free? Because it hadn't…when she was in Llanview they were in pain, but at least they could share it. After she left the pain was almost unbearable, because he was left all alone for it to consume him.

"Of course I think about it," he whispered. "I think about you all the time…about what you're doing…about who you're with…about what could have been for us." He paused, looking into her eyes. "I guess I really didn't have any idea though, did I?"

She drew in a deep breath. This was the first time Joey had let her see how hurt he was. "I think we should go back inside," she said quietly. "Kevin will be worried if he gets back and I'm not there."

Kevin. His brother…His own brother. "He knew right?" Looking at her, he waited for a moment. "Since the start? Kevin knew?"

Her eyes burned. The sting of the wind and the tears that began to fall were too much for her. This whole night had been too much for her. "Can we go inside, please?"

She was shaking. "Yeah." He was angry…and he thought his anger was justified, but one look at Kelly—at how fragile she was..at how sick she was—and the anger was replaced by complete and total fear. He wrapped his arm around her shoulders. "Let's get you back inside."


End file.
